Noel Gallagher on the Merits of Fiction

Noel Gallagher has a thing or two to say about fiction writers and readers:

What would be our Bible, then?

I only read factual books. I can’t think of… I mean, novels are just a waste of f***ing time. I can’t suspend belief in reality… I just end up thinking, ‘This isn’t f***ing true.’ I like reading about things that have actually happened. I’m reading this book at the minute – The Kennedy Tapes. It’s all about the Cold War, the Cuban Missile Crisis – I can get into that. Thinking, ‘Wow, this actually f***ing happened, they came that close to blowing the world up!’ But… what f***ing winds me up about books…

This is already the best sentence I’ve ever heard.
…is, like… my missus will come in with a book and it will be titled – and there’s a lot of these, you can substitute any word, it’s like a Rubik’s Cube of shit titles – it’ll be entitled The Incontinence Of Elephants. And I’ll say “What’s that book about?” And she’ll say, “Oh it’s about a girl and this load of f***ing nutters…” Right… so  it’s not about elephants, then? Why the f*** is it called The Incontinence Of Elephants? Another one: The Tales Of The Clumsy Beekeeper. What’s that about? “Oh it’s about the French Revolution.” Right, f*** off. If you’re writing a book about a child who’s locked in a f***ing cupboard during the f***ing Second World War… he’s never seen an elephant. Never mind a f***ing giraffe.

Why are album titles different? Why don’t you call yours Some Songs That I’ve Written, then?
Because people who write and read and review books are f***ing putting themselves a tiny little bit above the rest of us who f***ing make records and write pathetic little songs for a living.

Thing is, I write books, and…
Hey. I know you write books and all that shit. I’m just saying. The winner of the Pulitzer Prize [for fiction]. What a c***. Whoever that is, has got to be. I don’t get it. Book sellers, book readers, book writers, book owners – f*** all of them.

Book owners?
Yeah. And I own books! But about shit that happened. That’s what I’m talking about. Fifty Shades Of Grey? Fifty shades of s****. I’m not having it. Novels… how could you read that? Do you write novels? Don’t tell me you write novels.

I’ve written a novel.
What was it about?

About a guy who sees a girl…
Here we go. Already the shittest book of all time.